David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things That Will Get You Thrown Out of a Bookstore” (from 1995)
10. Sneak up behind someone reading a romance novel and make kissing noises.
9. Throw a book-signing party–even though you haven’t written a book.
8. Lick cookbook, pause, shake your head, and move on to the next one.
7. Carry out a stack of Shirley MacLaine’s books and tell clerk you paid for them in a previous life.
6. Shout really loudly, “Hey look, everybody! ‘Penis’ is in the dictionary!”
5. Ask if there’s a Books on Tape version of “Mein Kampf” read by Carol Channing.
4. Sweep the science-fiction books off the shelf and scream, “Nothing but Earthling lies!”
3. Return copy of the Bible; say you couldn’t find Waldo in it anywhere.
2. Loudly announce that you have naked photos of Nancy Drew.
1. Push over bookshelves like giant dominoes.
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