Top Ten Things That Will Get You Thrown Out of a Bookstore


David Letterman’s “Top Ten Things That Will Get You Thrown Out of a Bookstore” (from 1995)


Letterman10. Sneak up behind someone reading a romance novel and make kissing noises.

9. Throw a book-signing party–even though you haven’t written a book.

8. Lick cookbook, pause, shake your head, and move on to the next one.

7. Carry out a stack of Shirley MacLaine’s books and tell clerk you paid for them in a previous life.

6. Shout really loudly, “Hey look, everybody! ‘Penis’ is in the dictionary!”

5. Ask if there’s a Books on Tape version of “Mein Kampf” read by Carol Channing.

4. Sweep the science-fiction books off the shelf and scream, “Nothing but Earthling lies!”

3. Return copy of the Bible; say you couldn’t find Waldo in it anywhere.

2. Loudly announce that you have naked photos of Nancy Drew.

1. Push over bookshelves like giant dominoes.

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